Further Up and Further In

grass and birds

2011-01-12T18:34:00.000-08:00

The air lies still around me,
stymied by all my not having-weighed down with all my worries.
Heavy upon my chest, stealing relief-not granting it.
I with bated breath and clinched eyes lay still, maybe the air will forget that I am here, and impress its realities upon someone else.
But it remains, stale-its insistent silence its response- to my pleadings.

Fortune Cookie

2010-11-25T22:01:00.000-08:00

You reappeared did you not?

I was warned was I not?

But you came again,

quietly, surely, you came again.

Stirring up the red clay dust of hope that lays on the ground of my soul.

Long settled, long undisturbed.

I with teary eyes strain to see your face, through the haze.

You smell of the earth, you smell of my dreams, you smell of my pain.

I reach for you, hoping, oh hoping, that with touch I can recall your form.

That I could remember what fingertips long have put to memory.

But it is not you, I find, no not the form that I once knew.

You are different, the same,but different,

somehow,

someway.

All the words I had prepared to send you away now fail me,

trapped in my throat.

You've come again, but you are new.

Somehow all things are new.

Untold

2010-11-25T21:49:00.000-08:00

Wipe the sleep out of your eyes ,

early morning to night.

You have been sleep too long,

enchanted into still slumber.

Like the princess in the tower-waiting-not dead, yet not living.

For no one is coming to save you.

The childhood tales were not true.

Their is no knight, no trusty stead, no valiant honor.

Wipe the sleep out of your eyes, arise and wake

their is much to make of this life

their is much to do in this time.

And what was whispered, the spell that was spun was not truth ,but well intended, lies.

Oh heart,

oh daughters.

Eyes to see,

lips to taste,

feet walk.

Begin, begin

against ,perhaps, your own will

walk, maybe, poorly.

But you must do

But you must live so

Arise from your bed of waiting and go.

Winter Solstice

2010-03-22T12:44:00.001-07:00

Our love began in the dead of winter,
outside twelve degrees, trees bare, ground asleep.
On the longest and darkest night of the year,
bursting forth blue and burning like a young star just born out of a callismal occurance.
Most star systems have companions,you know.
Solitary stars like our sun are rare,
an island in space quarantined by light years.

Foresight

2010-03-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

I want to live in a place where the Spanish moss swings, hangs,
as low and as heavy as the humidity.
Fresh fruit,
fragrant,
from trees,
gathered by barefeet, early morning dew covered,
for breakfast.
I want to live in an old sage-painted wood house that smells of mahagony, cinnamon and cloves.
Where the stairs always creek,
and there are candled mason jars lined in the windows,
a beacon of light guiding you home.

heavy

2010-03-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

I come beladen: books,
bags, purses,
a bed, a couch,
square plates, those fancy wine glasses you always like,
my two favorite coffee mugs
my polaroid camera and
one red Underwoood typewriter.
Tracking guilt onto your welcome doormat, I leave my things on your foyer.
You, instead,
indeed, without question,
make cups of African Rooibos tea, heavy on the honey, light on the judgement,
drink with me.
Silently, intuitively,
you know,
knew, always that I'd be back this way.
Suddenly, all at once.

perfect.

2009-04-15T16:36:00.000-07:00

Who heard?

2009-04-06T19:20:00.000-07:00

A cry breaks forth,
pathway linearly upward,
inward-out.
From heart to mouth
soul must speak.
Wounded cry rumbles out,
sound breaks forth---
scattering the silence.
Like a flock of pigeons disturbed by fleeing feet
and waving hands.
Only again
to resettle.

Amiss

2009-04-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

You came at night,
you midnight maruaders.
I with deep sleep upon my brow,
unbeknownst, unbeknownst.
Pillaging, robbing from mind memories,
from heart sentiments
from hands tactile recollections.
I left with suppositions,
of what I once knew of what was known.
Now like a dream of a memory.

The introduction

2009-04-06T18:12:00.000-07:00

Give me neither poverty nor riches;feed me with the food that is needful for me,lest I be full and deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?”or lest I be poor and steal .
-Agur-

..this is the introductory passage to a short fiction story I am working on, bred out of ponderings on above passage, a bit of character development..mmmhmmm

I will not be defined by weaknessess,
he thought, he spoke to himself
by means of prepardness
he readied himself
Pupils dilated
heart racing
hand on the trigger
he steadied himself.
And does the end justify the means?
When family's mouth is not fed, no reception of their daily bread,
but forgive me for those whom I now trespass against to accomplish this hit.
And with quick steps he approached the counter four quiet words he said,
gun now outstreched pointing at her head.
"Give me your money"
For this was his win,his redemption him born again .
when doors had closed and it had seemed that God forgot to open the window.
when he had pushed,
and pushed
and pushed .
When it seemed there was no other way
when he no longer knew what to say when he went to pray.
one desperate word he'd mutter,
So the steel in his hand was his saviour,
cold and hard,
in this automatic he trusts.
The son in his trinity of desperation
fathered by worry and aided by the spirit of consternation.
Got to win hes facing his souls redemption,
he's desperate to win,
the end is his,
the use of this force,
this means justification.

Covenant Conception ( Grandma Now Has Grey Eyes)

2009-04-06T18:10:00.000-07:00

Give me daugthers with eyes like yours he said
As he softly laid her down to sow his seed
Then gently crawled between her knees,into her heat.
and he was apt,
and he was ample.
For in them I see strength that could move mountains, said he,
wisdom that is ancient in its truth.
For in them I see the those who came before,
kinship of slaves
heart ,might,soul of a queen ,
For in you I see those who came before,
kinship of queens
heart might soul of ancient dynastys
And now those who will come after
And now those who will come after

a past life, a life past

2009-04-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

4.56
4.57
4.58
4.59
five
5pm
Friday night, the streets and my heart buzz of weekend excitement,
the spring night is before me
I move swiftly through Richmond streets
To the local market bottle of wine , movie in hand,
and the necessities of a meal befit for royalty.
Easy on the garlic in the pesto this time,
caramailize the onions,
saute the chicken
dont forget the dark chocolate drizzle for the dessert.
And the table is set
and the dinner is made
and the wine is poured
and the movie begins to play
and dessert is in the oven on its way.
And for a while there I thought you were on your way home,
And for a while there I forgot that I am now alone,
and for a while there I..
I,
I......damn this singleness .

Dilemma

2009-04-06T17:51:00.000-07:00

I awake before the rise of the sun, I stand barefoot on cold tiled floor
warm coffee mug cuffed in hand,
heavy on the cream .
I am awake, alive now
I can feel it.
Your words drew me here you know,
stirring slumbering heart
then soul
now mind out of sleep.
Luring me to pursue spaces of silences to ponder realitys formed in our mingling
And you use words like pens and paintbrushes to paint anew ,
a clearer vision of what I thought I knew, of what I had found in you .
You ensure while assuring me that this much is true,
you instruct my mind ,so that it may to teach my heart to believe,
you teach my lips, my hands, all faculties to recieve.
And this is not fallicious,
deductive reasoning lends logical assurance to what was known as true
no ,no the end is truly you.

these days

2009-04-06T17:07:00.000-07:00

The edges of my soul are strecthed to engulf,
to hold, fully embrace long standing sentiments.
Like the Israelites in Egypt
hoping
waiting
frogs for the muttering,
Moses set me free.

foresight

2009-03-06T12:58:00.000-08:00

I know what you will do,
what she will say
I know how my heart will break
and what shall I say?
Thank you God for this pain?

chatterley

2009-02-08T13:40:00.000-08:00

I wish he knew that he was losing me.
Thought it was I he had,
me ,he had captured.
But, I ,
slip through his fingers even now
and I dont want to ,
I dont know how not to.
My heart is wild ,
my mind even more so.
More than he knows,
more than I know.

on her way

2009-02-08T13:00:00.000-08:00

Ive got to stop wanting to love you,
I heard,
she said,
passerby shouted solicited advice into cell phone attached to her head.
And then ,
it was clear?
unforgivably.
That i should let go?
unmistakably.

something small

2009-02-08T12:22:00.000-08:00

You calm the inward storms,
wind , rain and threat ceases.
You never knew ,
did you my friend?
what you do,
what you do,
what you do.
Head to the sky,perceiving,
you watch for their coming,
you celebrate their depart,
hold my eyes steady on the going through.
My deepest,
my sincerest,
gratitude to you.

regretfully.

2009-01-21T23:21:00.001-08:00

I listen.
Ear pressed against layers of lyrics and strings,
harmonies and syncopations,
for any indication,
for what I hope for ,
for what is not sure.
Tonight ,
simplistically,
surely, purely,
child -like.
And what was that you said,
that its all in my head?

gray hair

2009-01-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

"Education is teaching our children to desire the right things"
-Plato-
For some reason this quote has been haunting my thoughts..once processed output to follow. .
muse..muse...muse....

late night

2009-01-21T22:59:00.000-08:00

its 2a.m.
I cant sleep, damn that hazelnut coffee, damn that wine.
pleasures brevity turned into longevity.
ooo00 the colbert report is on....

+tallymarks

2009-01-12T20:28:00.000-08:00

+ one for you
location: shoulder
+ 3 for me
location: knee, knee, knee
friendly hands betray what mouth wont say.

agosto and or the columbian ( I havent learned my lesson yet)

2009-01-12T20:17:00.000-08:00

agosto 1.2007.

In the same measure,
in the same form ,
in the same gentleness you have awakened me.
and it was all. skin. teeth. tongue. fingertips. neck .
saliva. lips.
there. here.
---unbeknowst to me
-------these--
the noises . the silences. the words .clothed themselves in desire
giving form to a latent hunger,
stirred,
awakened . barely coherent still,
groggy eyed .
calm, unexpressable.
Behind entanglements of temperance and self control,
of time ,
{of patience}
of apprehension, lest this proves to be false
lest this proves to cause pain
thereby calming reminding me
that self-preservation has been its melody all along .

july 8th. 2007 (revisited)

2009-01-12T19:21:00.000-08:00

I thought that this was it.
The hope,
the dream ,
the time,
that would lead to
the touch ,
the kiss.
That would finally release
this desire
this longing,
like a torrent of rain , but it was not .
and the ,
sweet. deep desire ,
turned into the pain of unrequited
of boundaried
of halted
of dammed eros,
..damn eros.

i have seen

2009-01-10T17:56:00.000-08:00

This is a poem from a literary journal that I am submittting work to be published, I cannot stop reading it. enjoy.

Portrait of the artist, withered
by Kelly Jean Campbell

I have seen how he waits:
he waits all night, vigilant
for the dawn, shivering steadfast
in the dark, barefoot
by a drafty window.
And when light seeps through its dark gauze,
he ladles it in;
a little spills on the floor.
The rest he pulls, taffylike, into threads,
makes a sheet of it on a great glass loom.
This time, he folds it, wraps it, and stores it
on a dusty closet shelf.

i do's .

2009-01-02T20:20:00.001-08:00

anna leigh irby,
now donado.
noted.
happy forever together!
two now one,
life journey just begun.
forever learning
always forgiving.
This mystery,
this beauty,
a treasure perceived
now for you received.

the process

2008-12-21T17:20:00.000-08:00

You sit heavy upon my chest tonight,
forcing hand to uptake pen
in effort,
in vain attempt,
to quantify
to clarify,
deep seated swelling emotion.
With logic, thought ,
reason,
modus tollens; modus ponens,
no negation,
no logical assertions eludicated,
therefore you remain
defiant ,
insistent upon not being eradicated.
And of what is your form?
Why so deep?
Why so forlorn?

Antique

2008-12-18T10:05:00.000-08:00

I can surely suffer no more loss of myself in others.
My soul is as if I am the spent remains of press out cookie cutters,
his shape , your shape my lost dear friend, her shape,
gone .
Leaving,
holes,
sweet memories, turned bitter.
Short bursts of laughter,
long nights of tears,
"tell me 5 things I dont know about you" talks,
putting me on the airplane,
long terminal corridor walks.
What of my part in you, your part in me
must that now die too?
Can this sense of loss be all attributed to the flux, the dynamicity of life?
Seasons change I am told , people come and go.
But what of consistency , what of fight, what of resolve?
For I surely can suffer no more loss of self in others,
so tell me you will stay,
tell me time , and words unspoken ,
wont push away, wont destroy with atrophic decay
me in you ,
you in me,
us in we.

stream of thought

2008-12-18T10:01:00.000-08:00

I am becoming and ending, such a sewing together and pulling apart, at the same time in myself, causes distress, to a heart and mind that is used to consistency, modus operandi, a bedrock of sight, foresight, a known end.

But now what am I becoming, and what is ending?

Hazy

2008-12-18T09:58:00.000-08:00

You had your bed eyes on,
now your taste sits in the back of my mouth .
..sensory..
Swarthy, earthy, distinctly not my own,
Morning after, unbrushed , tongue,
dividing bacteria, microflora, -fauna.
Groggy eyes, remorse rising
with the sun,
tethered with hope
that this time
You would,
I could,
We should be..

MFA

2008-11-26T11:29:00.000-08:00

Ive decided I would like to go to graduate school to get an MFA in poetry or creative writing, where, how and when t.b.a.
but i must .
I know this,
I will start there.
"the creative power cannot be repressed. one must give vent to what one feels." vincent van theo

Onward

2008-11-26T11:22:00.000-08:00

And how do you awake a sleeping mind?
How do you stir a numb heart?
What spurs a stagnant spirit to action?
What expulsive force,
compelling force,
moving inwardly and out .
Or am I too far gone?
When nothing is the same,
no one is the same.
Hello my name is Rachel,
Nice to be continually unknowing you.
The pleasure is all yours.

holes.

2008-09-16T16:40:00.000-07:00

I got my nose pierced yesterday.
Dear me, dear God, I needed some of physical change
to mark the inward change that has been occurring for the past year.
So it was either this or cutting of my hair.
Something I am saving for a more poignant disturbance in self/pace of life/disposition,
whether bad or beneficial.
Some way to tell myself that I am actually progressing,
that I am not the person I was yesterday,
and the day before or a year ago.
And how I need that when I feel trapped by those who know me into,
perceived judgments
usual interactions
assumptions
typical roles
known failures
and lack of faith.
It is something inside my soul that is in need of ever changing.
ever moving.
ever growing.
ever coming to know.
ever forgetting.
ever forgiving .
This double edged sword creates a world of complexity
duality.
Me needing to be loved and let go.
Seen and known , but not bound.

force.

2008-09-16T16:15:00.000-07:00

I can feel it in my spine
It lays heavy upon my frame
familiar. full curves .
breasts.hips. legs . calves.
I carry it. uneven distribution,
inside- outside
heart loads
mind sags.
Force to overcome equal to mass of object.
Force equal to work.
Working upon body. thereby mind. henceforth disposition,
and that now which heart speaks out of.
Slowly, with time, with unnoticed increase in pressure
weighing.
subconscious. conscience.
Noticed now, body revolts to carrying.
heart shouts.
mind pleads against carrying alone.
The daily load. burden not light . yoke not easy.
And Father are you with me now?
When my hands do the work.
Mind does the figuring.
Thoughts does the worrying.
Created help mate, needs help, to lean upon, to share with man.human.
Comforting hands,
quiet words,
I then, now assured.
And am I weak?
yes. and amen.
No. and I will never be again.
Dueling sentiment rips through mind in response,
attempting to create force in equivalence to lift weight.
lift heart.
lift eyes.
fill spaces.
REPOSe.

.the past.

2008-09-09T15:42:00.000-07:00

something is amiss.
I can see it in the pitter-patter of your forefinger,
the shift-shift of your eyes,
the press-press
rub-rub of you straightening out your already perfected shirt
adequately tucked into your pants.
you tuck.tuck. tucked them so deep.
thoughts. of me tucking in your shirt for you in the morning.
brought about by wafting coffee smells
that I could bring.
freshly ground. brown filter paper.
we want to live long, i want to live long
that i may tuck. tucked. be .tucked. inside of you.
and these thoughts are premature. presumptous.
pre-, pre-
before. touch.
and held ourselves open for the other to see. to know and be known.
so thoughts are encased in self-control.
temperance and reality
ineluctable modality

speak

2008-09-09T15:41:00.000-07:00

There are constant reminders of my lack
lack of adequate ability to communicate
to comprehend
to sympathize
to empathize
and why is it the hardest with those with whom you have known the longest?
who have cause you the most pain
whom you desperately need to see
to touch
to give and get
to taste
Grace from. unto.within. in their voice. actions. touch.
oh but these words get caught behind entanglements of fear and pride
..and i dont know where to begin
..and its been so long
and why whys?
and complacency putceses around the ankles of the indifference that tags
along my heels.
in the shadows
let there be no fear of doing the "hard" thing
come now think of the the joy that awaits
the newness.
but for now only silence
the awkward,
heavy silence
the tell-tale silence
of i should have
could have
would have
known you by know
years of time
but i know you not.
at all.

unseen

2008-09-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

I have been violently living as of late,
impetus, compulsion, compelling me from within .
heart,mind.mouth.hands.eyes.feet.
drawn, forward.
not as so much as to harm self or others,
but violent to live and let live.
to know
to feel
to love
despise
revel
oh to think .
deeply.
profoundly.
wholly.
even in pain . let even that cup be filled , embraced, cemptied.
warm. down throat.
esophagus enter.
exit as tears .
salt preservation.
I have been aggressively living as of late,
pursuant of sensory .
touch.
sound.
taste.
smell.
frustrated by the trivial
distrusting of the transient ,
longing , ready, hoping
to capture
to take hold of
something greater than I
more subsistent than I
more satisfying that I
eyes strain to see
heart longs to feel
hands ache to recall sensory knowledge of
feet pulse to walk

Foolish.

2008-08-15T13:47:00.000-07:00

So many words, never make it out.
Caught in between my heart and mind, stuck in throat,

...in passages of what if, and maybe then, and who am i too? Ive got to, have to , must to SPEAK. this time.

Sensory

2008-08-14T14:48:00.000-07:00

There is no more hoped arrival of forrest green volvo ,
For more lets get coffee, how are you, dream with me meetings.
You are gone now
Rocky mountain destination,
far away,
where foothills and mountains are your backyard.
You flit,
flew away.
Scourning the city you left behind
kicking its dust off your heels.
I attempt to recall what I thought I knew of you,
and who you were in the face of the city.
In which i stay. stand.
Hikes, and coffee shops
rivers and mountain tops.
An Earthy. A shallow knowing.
Fragrant of soils and loam ,
truth and reason,
laughter and the autumn season.

Night LIfe

2008-08-14T14:43:00.001-07:00

driving around Richmond
its one am in the morning
in search of something to eat
supposedly driven by the hunger of a skipped dinner
driving down streets
as the lights roll over the windshield
displaying signs for false nurture
staring at the faces of people on the street
wondering what stories lie behind those eyes
i am hungry for you God
i am craving you
yet i dont know how to articulate this yearning
so i drive
hungry
searching
aimless
wait the village cafe.... no closed their kitchen early tonight
back in the car
as i drive around
and around
morning begins
and i have returned here
in the silence of my heart
exactly what i have been running from
frustrated by the pursuit of the futile
wounded from the pain of unfufilled desire
tears have become my food
so i sleep
my only consolance
maybe as i dream
i would meet YOU .

Nebeneinander (James Joyce's Missed Connection)

2008-08-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

From 7 to 9pm you sat,
Coffee, 2 magazines, one black book,
glasses noted,
title of book unnoted.
You have a name, I heard, Alex,
yes a female barista spoke towards you with familiarity.
I , with friend, near, .......nebeneinander>
reading distractedly,
thoughts of knowledge.sit.swirl upon my mind.
Eyes alighted.
Ive known you before, yes?
sometime
somplace?
I think through my eyes.
>>>nacheinander