holes.

I got my nose pierced yesterday.
Dear me, dear God, I needed some of physical change
to mark the inward change that has been occurring for the past year.
So it was either this or cutting of my hair.
Something I am saving for a more poignant disturbance in self/pace of life/disposition,
whether bad or beneficial.
Some way to tell myself that I am actually progressing,
that I am not the person I was yesterday,
and the day before or a year ago.
And how I need that when I feel trapped by those who know me into,
perceived judgments
usual interactions
assumptions
typical roles
known failures
and lack of faith.
It is something inside my soul that is in need of ever changing.
ever moving.
ever growing.
ever coming to know.
ever forgetting.
ever forgiving .
This double edged sword creates a world of complexity
duality.
Me needing to be loved and let go.
Seen and known , but not bound.

force.

I can feel it in my spine
It lays heavy upon my frame
familiar. full curves .
breasts.hips. legs . calves.
I carry it. uneven distribution,
inside- outside
heart loads
mind sags.
Force to overcome equal to mass of object.
Force equal to work.
Working upon body. thereby mind. henceforth disposition,
and that now which heart speaks out of.
Slowly, with time, with unnoticed increase in pressure
weighing.
subconscious. conscience.
Noticed now, body revolts to carrying.
heart shouts.
mind pleads against carrying alone.
The daily load. burden not light . yoke not easy.
And Father are you with me now?
When my hands do the work.
Mind does the figuring.
Thoughts does the worrying.
Created help mate, needs help, to lean upon, to share with man.human.
Comforting hands,
quiet words,
I then, now assured.
And am I weak?
yes. and amen.
No. and I will never be again.
Dueling sentiment rips through mind in response,
attempting to create force in equivalence to lift weight.
lift heart.
lift eyes.
fill spaces.
REPOSe.

.the past.

something is amiss.
I can see it in the pitter-patter of your forefinger,
the shift-shift of your eyes,
the press-press
rub-rub of you straightening out your already perfected shirt
adequately tucked into your pants.
you tuck.tuck. tucked them so deep.
thoughts. of me tucking in your shirt for you in the morning.
brought about by wafting coffee smells
that I could bring.
freshly ground. brown filter paper.
we want to live long, i want to live long
that i may tuck. tucked. be .tucked. inside of you.
and these thoughts are premature. presumptous.
pre-, pre-
before. touch.
and held ourselves open for the other to see. to know and be known.
so thoughts are encased in self-control.
temperance and reality
ineluctable modality

speak

There are constant reminders of my lack
lack of adequate ability to communicate
to comprehend
to sympathize
to empathize
and why is it the hardest with those with whom you have known the longest?
who have cause you the most pain
whom you desperately need to see
to touch
to give and get
to taste
Grace from. unto.within. in their voice. actions. touch.
oh but these words get caught behind entanglements of fear and pride
..and i dont know where to begin
..and its been so long
and why whys?
and complacency putceses around the ankles of the indifference that tags
along my heels.
in the shadows
let there be no fear of doing the "hard" thing
come now think of the the joy that awaits
the newness.
but for now only silence
the awkward,
heavy silence
the tell-tale silence
of i should have
could have
would have
known you by know
years of time
but i know you not.
at all.

unseen

I have been violently living as of late,
impetus, compulsion, compelling me from within .
heart,mind.mouth.hands.eyes.feet.
drawn, forward.
not as so much as to harm self or others,
but violent to live and let live.
to know
to feel
to love
despise
revel
oh to think .
deeply.
profoundly.
wholly.
even in pain . let even that cup be filled , embraced, cemptied.
warm. down throat.
esophagus enter.
exit as tears .
salt preservation.
I have been aggressively living as of late,
pursuant of sensory .
touch.
sound.
taste.
smell.
frustrated by the trivial
distrusting of the transient ,
longing , ready, hoping
to capture
to take hold of
something greater than I
more subsistent than I
more satisfying that I
eyes strain to see
heart longs to feel
hands ache to recall sensory knowledge of
feet pulse to walk